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TITLE: Catching The Deluge
FANDOM: Crowded House
PAIRING: Paul Hester/Nick Seymour, Neil Finn/Nick Seymour
AUTHOR: Kirri L.
RATING: M
GENRE(S): Drama, romance
ARCHIVAL: Feel free to archive it if you wish, but please E-Mail me so I know where it's going!
DISCLAIMER: Don't know 'em, don't sue me, and so on and so forth. This is merely a fictional work by a great fan.
SUMMARY: Neil gives one final interview after the farewell gig and opens the lid on the drama that went on throughout the band's history - and the events between Paul and Nick that led up to their split.

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It's not surprising that I'm the one left to speak for the three of us - or in this peculiar case I'm telling the story of the other two. So why me and not them? I suppose it could be because they have never put a public voice to it themselves. Being in my position I'm expected to address band issues to the media, but I'm uneasy in my present role, talking to you, because - well, who am I to tell their story? I was involved in it, for sure, but when it comes down to it, it's about them. I'll divulge as much as I feel that I can, but I can't promise that I'll be entirely accurate. If you want any blanks filled in, you'll have to ask them, but they may not offer anything more.

This is all from my point of view, you understand. So the way I saw things may not be consistent with their stories. I'm relieved you asked about it, actually - here we are at the end of our run and we were thinking it had all gone unnoticed. The thing with the three of us, I mean. About time, I reckon. Now where do I start? [brief pause] You've seen the clip for Mean To Me, haven't you? It was all playful back then…nothing serious, just harmless fun. To this day I blame the beginning of 'them' on paper aeroplanes. It's an old tour ritual from Split Enz - there was no drugs, sex or anything, we just sat in our hotel rooms and made planes, hurling them across the room. On this one occasion we were bored in the studio, fed up with rehearsing, and we got stuck into the owner's paper stash. They were flying all over the place; at least three in one go! Anyway Neil made a particularly pointy one, and of course it went up in the air and straight into Paul's eye. Yeah, I know, it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt! Paul copped it pretty badly. He was doubled over, hand over his eye and everything. Nick sprung to his feet and fussed over him like I'd never seen him do before. We were all concerned, I mean, but I guess Nick felt pretty bad about it. Nick took a while checking Paul to see if he was okay and offered to take him, just to be sure, to see a doctor he knew, a guy who lived near his place and was always awake, it seemed. I went home and they went in Nick's car.

I didn't see them for a few days and then we met up to shoot the video for Mean To Me. From the moment they showed up I could see that something had changed. They weren't making a big show of anything but they were all giggly and went into little huddles to talk privately. After a while I caught Paul by himself and asked, "Well, hey, is there something I'm not in on here?" I wasn't expecting him to tell me right out, but he's a pretty straightforward guy and I like to think that, even then in the early days, he felt he could tell me and trust me to, you know, handle it well. He made sure no one was hovering around, leant in and basically said: "May as well come out with it. When Nick took me to his doctor friend a few days ago, we spent a lot of time waiting around and talking. It was late so I crashed at his place…and, um, I haven't been back home since."

He didn't have to elaborate; I knew what he was trying to say. I can't say it was a great shock. In hindsight they'd always been serial flirts, whether or not they were aware of the way they carried on. Not only that but Paul had struck me as a bit of a whoopsie from the day I met him! [laughs] I don't mean that to sound bad, it's just the way he came across to me. So when it clicked with me what he was implying, my reaction was a bit subdued - I shrugged and went, "Oh, okay then." Just like that! Did he expect something big? I don't know, but he seemed grateful that it was no drama. A bit later he told Nick what he'd told me, and things seemed more relaxed for the rest of the day. I never minded them being together. I knew it was something I'd have to get used to over time so I welcomed their relationship and knew that they wouldn't do anything unless they felt good about it. We never had the whole sit-down-and-discuss-it sort of thing. Where was the need? What they did, however far they went, was not my business. We had a band to get out there; there wasn't time to bother with such things. From Day One they were left alone so they had an easy run for quite a while, a few years at least.

If you watch all of our music clips in chronological order, the keen observers could almost see their relationship being played out onscreen. Gradually it became more obvious, particularly in the clips for Now We're Getting Somewhere and Something So Strong. They were the most fun clips to make in terms of them, well, dropping hints. I sometimes got in on the act as well, camping it up and whatnot. Obviously they had much more than a fling; they lasted a good seven or eight years together.

A few years later we were on the road touring heavily. Tours were both exhilarating and grueling, because we traveled a hell of a lot so there was barely any time for ourselves. When you're stuck with the same people for so long, it's predictable that you're going to fall out of your tree in one way or another, and that's what happened with me. Call it a loss of focus or whatever on my part. Now let me say - in my own lame defense, I guess - that this hadn't been my first experience, but it was my first whilst completely off my face. We were going through pot by the bagful back then and it made us, and especially me, quite demented. [shuffles in his chair] I haven't told this to many people at all. Nick and I spent a night together when we'd been given a pretty good load of pot. What planted the idea in my head in the first place - curiosity? Most likely. I don't think I was genuinely attracted to Nick in that sense. I, in my crazy disposition, wanted a piece of the action. Selfish? Shit yeah. I don't know where Paul had gone when we started, but I clearly remember him standing at the door when we finished. The look on his face was…[drifts off] As high as a kite as I was, I remember feeling dreadful. Beyond dreadful. I can't begin to imagine what it must've been like for Paul, coming back to the hotel to find his partner crawling out from under the body of not just another guy but his bandmate. I couldn't look him or Nick in the eye. Can you understand how you let your guard down when you're drug-fucked? When it all feels safe and everything you do seems like it's the right thing? I can't use pot as an excuse, I know…it's pathetic. I've had to take responsibility for what I did and it really affected their relationship.

I avoided them for quite a while except when we were working, and the tension in the air was so damn thick, it was all we could do not to fall apart. Neither of them would talk to me. Nick looked ready to smash his bass over my head. Paul and Nick would spend hours in their rooms arguing, weeping, trying to get themselves and each other past it. Sometimes not even they could bear to be around each other. It got to the point where we'd be stuck in very uncomfortable silences, in private and in public. I knew it was my fault and wanted to do something, anything at all, to improve the situation and make amends. Was it for the sake of the band? Partly so, but more than anything I wanted to have them forgive me, and each other, and see them back together. It wasn't just the guilt of my actions weighing down on me…it was seeing Paul and Nick. They really did care for one another very deeply, you know? No - no, you don't know. Everyone within the 'circle' knew. It was as clear as day. To watch them go from being so happy together to standing across the room barely communicating, and to know that it was something foolish you did that threw everything into turmoil, can be bloody hard, very bloody hard. That's where the line from Into Temptation gained more meaning, at least for me - "The guilty get no sleep in the last slow hours of morning." I'd written the song before all of this happened but it was so accurate in expressing thoughts and emotions that I'd yet to fully understand. So with that in mind and with the song as our next single, I waved my little white flag on the day that we shot the video.

I was on the set well before the others and I had a chat with the director about some ideas I'd had. He'd created a storyline for the clip but I felt that we didn't need it - he could simply film us playing and the story would emerge from that. When Paul and Nick arrived, separately, I didn't fill them in on what the director and I had decided. We just went onto the set and shot the first half of the video. You can see in the clip the incredible tension and the emotions flying - Nick trying to talk to Paul and Paul rolling his eyes. Nick was hurt, I could tell, whenever Paul brushed him off. That was agonizing to see because for a long time Paul was his rock. Paul had a very hard time forgiving Nick, but even through all of the anger and pain the love was still there. They knew it, and I knew it, but it was getting past the hurt that was tough. While all of this was going on I sat out front, strumming my guitar and singing my side of the story. We watched the rushes between each take and we all felt embarrassed that it was all so clear on camera. We broke for lunch but while the crew went outside I kept Paul and Nick behind. For at least an hour and a half we sat on that floor and let everything out. It was one of the most cathartic and emotional discussions we've had. There was shouting, crying, finger-pointing, hugging…By the time the crew came back and we resumed filming, things had dramatically improved, and you can see it on tape. Paul and Nick gradually starting to chat, pull faces and joke around again, and at the end they came up to me at the front. Having all three of us there smiling at the end…I couldn't have asked for a better ending. It was our most intense clip in an emotional sense and one that just about anyone could look at if they want to see just how it all changed.

Our problems didn't simply disappear in that one day; it took the next few weeks to really clear the air and resolve things. I felt brave in doing what I did but also felt that I owed it to Paul and Nick to make the first move and offer an apology. In their states they couldn't have done it themselves.

Funnily enough, for several months after that Paul and Nick's relationship was better than ever. I guess they figured that they'd been through the worst, so there was little else to worry about. I wish you, and everybody out there, could've seen what I saw when they were together. It was so sweet. My favourite thing each morning was waking up to the sight of them cuddling and having cups of tea in bed. That was when we were in Los Angeles. Apparently they thought Tim and I couldn't stand it! They'd hug and kiss whenever they could, play like kids, spend hours talking intimately…they knew each other inside out. Whenever Paul lost his cool Nick was ever so patient with him. He'd sit and listen, not interrupting, just offering an ear and letting Paul get it out of his system. They became fiercely protective of one another. It might sound like I was left out a lot but I wasn't. The whole group got along amazingly well, ensuring we were on our best behaviour when Tim and Mark came onto the scene. For a while it was almost perfect, as clichéd as that may sound. I'd often have chats with them on their own, and they'd talk about little things the other had done and how happy they felt to be together - to still be together. It was wonderful having such a pleasant, jovial spirit shared amongst us.

I suppose I should've seen it coming. Maybe in a way I did, but I was either too busy or in denial. The girlfriends and wives came onto the scene - well, they'd always been on the scene, but back when they'd just been girlfriends it had been easy to make excuses, sneak off to be with one another. Then they were expected to marry, and although they did love their women they were too comfortable in their clandestine relationship to conceive the thought of breaking it off for conventional marriage. They had to leave eventually. It happened too soon for them, though. Being married men and cheating on their women with each other placed a great strain on their consciences, and thus on their relationship. The bickering started, which I saw as the beginning of the slow and excruciating break-up process. Excruciating not only for them but also for me, and for those around us. They were resisting it but it was futile to fight the inevitable. We made the video for Distant Sun on the day they'd had a bit of friction with their women showing up and watching the filming. They could still muck around for the sake of the cameras but they hated being watched all of the time. Eventually the room started getting quite full and the crew had to hustle any people outside that weren't essential to the filming. This meant the women and families shuffled out the door. I watched Paul and Nick talking at the side of the set, and I didn't have to hear them to know how badly they wanted to make it work between them. I believe it was then, on that day, that they knew it had to end in one way or another, and it was better to part on good terms than create an even bigger mess. So anyway, filming resumed and there was one moment that will always stand out in my mind. Mark and I were doing our thing out front while Nick and Paul were leaping and prancing behind us. We suddenly heard Paul shout, "Hey!" Mark and I turned around just in time to see Paul and Nick rushing to meet each other in the middle of the set and going straight in for a kiss, a good smack on the lips. It is only shown briefly on the final video, and if you're watching it without much attention then it looks like a tight hug. But if you look closely and view it frame by frame, you can see that it's actually a kiss. I love that they decided to keep that shot for the video because I feel it was important for Paul and Nick to be granted that final onscreen moment of showing their affections.

As time went on it became increasingly difficult for them to continue a romance under conditions that were going from bad to worse. Finally Paul couldn't hack it any longer. He completely snapped. He was fed up with it - touring, the press runs, lack of rest, and lack of time to give to Nick. We were all pretty tired but he was the worst for wear. When he announced that he was leaving the band we knew that he was leaving his relationship with Nick as well. Paul came to me before breaking the news to Nick, and I tried to be as supportive as I could be about both of the things he was leaving behind. I had to be strong not only to hold the rest of the band together but also to be there for Nick, because I knew he would be devastated. All the forewarning in the world couldn't have fully prepared them for this. They weren't ready to do it but they knew they had to. So I hugged Paul and told him to do what he felt was right. I wasn't going to stop him from abandoning the group, and I was in no position to stop him from ending it with Nick. But I told him to approach the issue with a lot of care because the pain was going to be rough. Paul left the room to be with Nick and I didn't see either of them for hours. I sat on the edge of the bed staring at the TV, trying to take my mind off what was happening next door. I didn't see Paul for the rest of the day but Nick came into my room a few hours later. Before either of us had said a word we were on our feet hugging each other for comfort. Nick was physically shaking as I held him. My wife and kids cleared the room to allow Nick and I to be there for one another.

[long pause] That was a hard day to get through…Nick crawled into my bed - I wasn't in it this time - and couldn't get up until the end of the night. Neither of us left the room. I did what I could to offer comfort and support but I still don't know if that was enough. Was it enough just being there? After coaxing Nick into his own room I went to bed, and in the morning I grabbed Paul before anyone else could. He was holding it together pretty well for someone who was closing not only a chapter of his career but his entire life. He said he was relieved that he'd finally taken the plunge and announced his departure from the band. When I asked about Nick he looked me right in the eye and said, "What do you expect, Neil? This is fuckin' killing me. But what can I do?" I wanted to say, "Why don't you think about who you really want to be with?" but I couldn't. Have you ever read the book Maurice?

They kept in touch. The band soldiered on with Mark but we knew that the dynamic had changed…it wasn't going to work for much longer. As time passed they learned to put what they had behind them and just appreciate that, after what they'd been through together, they were still very close. They have a lot of good memories behind them. It's always blissful to look back on a point in your life and know that you were loved.

This farewell concert was the conclusion that we all needed. Seeing them together again, still happy and bouncy despite their break-up, was pleasing as well as relieving. There are no hard feelings - why should there be? There are times in your life when you just have to move on. It's not a question of whether or not you're ready to. We had to close doors to open others. It doesn't mean any of us want to bury the past. We're proud of our time together and I know Nick and Paul have no regrets about their relationship, except the pot incident with me. Rehearsals were great and the actual concert was extraordinary. For a few days it was like we'd never parted. There were cameras following us around on these last days and one moment that a single camera never managed to capture was a couple of hours ago. When the concert ended and we said goodbye to the masses at the Opera House, the three of us stood at the side of the stage, arms around one another, and watched the fireworks exploding in the sky. For that time we held each other tightly and silently congratulated each other and ourselves on what has been a brilliant time in our lives. I turned away to grab my camera, and when I turned back Nick and Paul were in a tight embrace. For the first time in several years there was no romance attached to it, and I knew from watching them that, although their time together had been extraordinary, they were passed that stage. A door had closed. I had to take a photo of it, capture it for posterity, and I pressed the button right when they pulled apart and held each other still by the arms, staring at each other and nodding. Not saying anything, just nodding and smiling. They knew that they'd done well.

I think they'll always appreciate the time they spent as a couple. They grew as people and took away some very valuable lessons that will carry them throughout the rest of their lives. Whatever happens now, I know that we'll hold onto these memories but not try to recreate them. The future is ahead of us and we have each other to thank for getting us to this stage, preparing one another for life. Their wives have been filled in, of course, on their history. It doesn't matter because Paul and Nick needed each other. Like flowers they opened each other up so that other people could nurture them. A relationship may end but that doesn't mean the love isn't there anymore. I still see love now. There'll always be love.

FINIS